Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe