When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.