When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Herpes is trending, good job people
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+