When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.