When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off