When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal