When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
And that about sums it up.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.