When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?