@FeralFerrell

When people ask “who hurt you” they do not want to see a laminated list of names with short descriptions of each heartbreak. I know this now.

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@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@DrakeGatsby

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@oolah

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

@FrizerkaSandra

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@MummaCrazy

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

@XplodingUnicorn

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

@causticbob

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.