When people ask “who hurt you” they do not want to see a laminated list of names with short descriptions of each heartbreak. I know this now.

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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules


My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.


ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.


If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.


Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.


10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.


Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.


I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.