John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Shortcut
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.