When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
lmao😭🤣
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.