When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Customize Your Wedding.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy