When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
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Velcrow
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
courtroom exchange of the day
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.