Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Cake!!

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!