When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter