Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

😆

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.