When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex