When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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“No way.” -Jose
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
As per my last nervous breakdown
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Breaking news:
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors