Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed