When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!