Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”