Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

I don’t believe him.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

😂😂

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.