When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.