When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Natural selection at its finest
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.