Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this