When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.