When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!