When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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