When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.