When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Anyone want a chair?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.