When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex