Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

the short answer to this question

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

it takes so much energy

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.