When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.