When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money