When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
