when people give me directions and say “you can’t miss it” buddy you have no idea what i’m capable of
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU