Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.