when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Hell yeah 👍
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”