Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

😤😤

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet