when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
you will never know the true number of layers
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Bread puns are on the rise!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?