Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.