Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Sign at work today

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.