When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it