When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw


If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.


Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.


My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.


greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital


Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”


My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.