@LostFelicia

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

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@pixelatedboat

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@SentenceReduced

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

@Lhlodder

Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.

@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@sarcasticmommy4

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.