When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Just as the prophecy foretold
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
but that was my emotional support daylight
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing