Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

me when i smell free food in the break room

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

Favourite diary entry ever

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care