When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.