Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Wait a minute…

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

What?!?

I’m not alone. I have ants.