ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
thank god the sign was there
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church