when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“OMGJK” -atheists
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Watson was Holmes schooled