when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Well, this certainly took a turn
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.