when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert