when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
How all things should be taught/explained.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.