When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
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What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
peeping toms
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
