Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Bruh PLEASE