When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
This could be us… but you playing
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!