When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
🙅🏻
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.