When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.