Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that