Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

I think about this a lot

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.