When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Cndnsd Mlk
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP