Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.