When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
My whole life was a lie.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them