Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.