When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
