Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Butt weight. There’s more!

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

I ain’t wearing no wire