when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
the icebreaker
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Ape together strong
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.