when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate