[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets