@Adam14

When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.

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@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@Robert_Beau

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@TheNYAMProject

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

@_GrahamPatrick

[bedroom]

TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.

TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?

@sixfootcandy

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents