Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I love it

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine