When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
who wore it better?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.