When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
You Might Also Like
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Church Pugh’s
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.