When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
You Might Also Like
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Poetry is my passion
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”