Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”