When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack