Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”