When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist