When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
You Might Also Like
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
respect
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it