Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.